We are taught it by Snow White and the Disney princesses from the time we are toddlers. We see posts about it almost everyday on our Facebook news feeds. We hear the young girls around us whisper about it and see the excitement in their eyes… then as they get older, the desperation. Perhaps we’ve even felt that desperation ourselves.
“Someday my prince will come…”
…and so we wait. Maybe our prince comes, maybe he doesn’t. Maybe someone who we think is our prince comes, but he ends up being simply a toad. Our waiting becomes more desperate, our need for companionship stronger, our love for ourselves becomes less, and we begin to compromise and complain… how can we ever be complete?
Yesterday the title of a TED talk stood out to me, “The One Person You Need to Marry.” Interesting. I wondered what kind of advice a secular speaker would give on this topic. She began by telling about her past failed relationships, and then said:
“”I realised that I had been marrying everyone in sight except the one person I really needed to marry in order to have a great relationship… and that once I married that one person, all of my relationships will be successes…
…myself.”
It was then that I realized I had kind of been tricked. The compelling title had done just what it was supposed to do – draw me in, expecting one thing, and surprise me. She spoke about how it was important to marry yourself first before marrying someone else. She said that you would never be satisfied in any relationship, or be able to identify who was right for you, until you did. She spoke of all her failed relationships – all because she had searched for wholeness in someone else, when she needed to find it in herself first to truly be fulfilled.
Her words made me pause for thought.
This is obviously an important topic, which girls especially need to hear about. So many girls are looking for love and finding it in all the wrong ways and places. So many are desperate to get married, thinking that somehow then they will be complete. I myself have seen the desperation in many women’s faces as they ask me how to get a guy like mine, and how to get that guy to like them.
Unfortunately, what I don’t hear a lot of girls asking is what sort of a person they need to be. Many girls are too concerned with finding someone to complete them – and being just right enough to make that person like them – to be concerned with whether or not they are the kind of girl that guy would look for in the first place. I know, because I’ve been there. It’s a selfish, insecure, and dangerous place to be.
There was a lot of truth in what this speaker was saying, yet I found her advice somewhat lacking. Her advice:
“Commit to yourself fully, and then build a relationship with yourself to the point that you realize that you are whole right now–that there is no woman, man, job, or circumstance that is going to make you more whole than you are right now.”
The problem was that her advice was totally centred around loving self.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for loving self, and there is definitely an element of truth in what this speaker says. We have to have a good amount of self love in order to truly love others – but we can’t stop at loving and accepting ourselves. The way we get good self esteem is not to marry ourselves and find completeness in ourselves. We need to look beyond ourselves, because we will never find complete wholeness in ourselves.
Girls, especially Christian girls, often become obsessed with finding a boyfriend and getting married. The desire and drive often becomes all encompassing and dominates their entire being. All they aspire to be is married. Never mind self improvement, or working for the Lord in their singleness (cf. 1 Corinthians 7:32), or being content where they are (Hebrews 13:5). They feel like they need to be married to be whole. They need the validation and security that marriage brings.
I believe that the best position to be in in this world is married, and marriage is something to desire – but it becomes a problem when the desire for it permeates our entire being and gets in the way of our feeling whole, safe, and secure right now, and in whatever state we are in. We need to quit thinking that any one person on this earth can make us complete. Marriage will not truly cure your loneliness, need for security, or lack of completeness. Take this from a girl who is married and yet has felt lonely, insecure, and incomplete at some point during her married life.
No matter how confident in ourselves we are, when there is no one there – when even those closest to us can’t seem to help or understand – we need to know that someone is there. We need to know someone is listening, and someone cares. We cannot be the centre of our Universe – this will never bring us completeness.
Someone else must be the center of our Universe.
We can only truly find completeness in marrying the one that created and supercedes all relationships and decisions. We can only truly find completeness in marrying Christ.
“Wherefore, my brethren, you also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that you should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God” (Romans 7:4 KJV).
It’s what He calls us to do. Be joined to Him, and with no one else besides.
And I submit to you, that until you are married to Christ and make Him your top priority, you will never be able to see the right kind of man before your eyes, or be completely satisfied in any relationship – because He is the One Who created you, man, and marriage. Once you put Him first, everything else will fall into place. Only He can help you to see true value in both yourself and others. Only He can tell you how to have a completely fulfilling relationship.
When you have the correct relationship with God, you will have a healthy self esteem, and you won’t have to seek approval from anyone else. You won’t end up in a damaging relationship, because you know what you want. You will want someone who is married to Christ just as you are – someone who won’t jeopardize the most important relationship you have.
By dying to ourselves, marrying Christ, and making Him our world – we will find completeness, as well as satisfaction in ourselves and our current situation. We will also let our relationship with Him guide and override all other relationships. This means that we won’t settle for anything less in a marriage partner than someone who is trying to do the same – and by finding our completeness in Christ, we will be two complete people coming together as one.
Here is what the speaker said about marrying herself–but it applies to being married to Christ along these lines:
“Once I took this mindset, I found that I wasn’t even on this date trying to get someone to like me. I am more interested in how I feel about him, than he feels about me… I’m not trying to get security from him through marriage… I’m only here to just be in a relationship… I’m not dying to hear the words, “Will you marry me?” because… I am already married to the one person I wanted to be with all along.”
Christ is the One Person you have wanted to be with all along, because being married to Christ means:
1. Having Someone Who is always there. You can leave Him, but He will never leave you – and when everyone else forsakes you, He remains constant. You never have to be alone.
“…for He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5 ESV)
“And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD” (Hosea 2 :19-20 ESV).
2. Having Someone Who always loves you. You can stop loving Him, but He will never stop loving you. While the love of those around you may fade over time, His love is ever true.
“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39 ESV)
3. Having Someone Who is always ready to fight for your love and forgive wrong. If you leave Him, He will do everything He can to get you back. This verse is the Lord speaking to Israel who left Him for other gods, saying that He will make the first move to bring her back:
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt. “And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ (Hosea 2:14-16 ESV)
There is nothing you can to do to make Him stay away forever–if you will just say sorry and come back to Him.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9 ESV)
4. Having Someone Who always has your best interests at heart. You can choose not to listen or follow, but when you do you realize that His way is best. Yes, it may seem at times to be difficult, but it has always been with our best interests at heart that God makes any law for us to follow.
“And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good?” (Deuteronomy 10:12-13 ESV).
5.Giving One Who is ever faithful our faithfulness. Others may be unfaithful, but God is ever faithful – to keep the marriage relationship healthy, we simply need to uphold our part, forsaking all others for Him.
“And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD” (Hosea 2 :19-20 ESV).
In order to be His unblemished bride, we cannot be half-hearted in our relationship. We cannot love Him and then be having an affair with the world on the side. He wants our whole heart and soul.
“Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God” (James 4:4 ESV).
“Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever” (1 John 2:15-17).
6. Being provided for. If we give our all to Him, He will make sure that we have everything we need. Sure, we may not be rich–but under His watchful eye, we will never know true need.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33 ESV).
7. Being made whole and at peace. Christ has enough strength to make up for all our weaknesses, and will make us complete – we simply have to trust him and keep what He says. Then we will have true completeness and peace with ourselves.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV).
“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you” (1 Peter 5:10 KJV).
“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable […], that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16, 17 ESV).
8. Having the best earthly relationship possible. God created man and marriage, and wants you to have the best marriage you possibly can. Having a great relationship with Him will cause all the relationships you enter into to be the best they possibly can be. He is love, and so only He can teach you how to love properly and fully. He will also teach you how to look for the right person – someone who is wise, rather than good-looking, well-educated, or wealthy (Proverbs).
“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love” (1 John 4:7-8 ESV).
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So here is my version of what needs to happen in order to be satisfied in any relationship:
“Commit to [Christ] fully, and then build a relationship with [Christ] to the point that you realize that you are whole right now–and that there is no woman, man, job, or circumstance that is going to make you more whole than you are right now.”
Do you find yourself buying into the belief that you need another person to feel whole? Have you been looking for love in order to feel secure and safe?
Have you been trying to marry everyone in sight except the one person you really need to marry in order to have a great relationship and have all of your relationships be successes?
Marry yourself to the Master of the Universe. Let His hand guide your every decision. Then you will find completeness – a completeness which no one can take away from you – a completeness which no one else can give. You won’t need anyone else to feel validated, because you are already His chosen one.
In that you can feel safe, secure and satisfied – no matter your earthly relationships – because while we may fear that others will not live us forever, or may die and leave us alone, nothing and no one can separate us from His love.
“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38, 39KJV).
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