Her Life, His Way

[This article contains a frank conversation about intimacy. Please read this only if you are mature enough to handle such things. If such offend you, please refrain from reading. Thank you!]

The world is constantly portraying men in a certain light in regards to their sexuality – and truthfully it isn’t always fair. The danger of these lies is that sometimes they can cause us to view our husbands – or men in general –  in the wrong light. A wrong view of men and their sexual desires can hurt us to the extent that it effects the intimate relationship we have with our husbands, or makes us doubt ourselves.

Here are 5 things that the world around us is telling you about men that aren’t necessarily true.

1. All men think about sex all the time.

I have heard this so many times. I have heard ladies talk about it with their hairdressers while their hair was done (“He always wants it – he can think of nothing else!). I have seen advertisements (advertising what, I don’t know) saying how men think about sex some 300 times a day. The world perpetuates this idea that men think about sex 24/7.

Having being fed such information, I expected my husband to be like this. I expected that every time I wanted to talk to him or approach him about what the world had told me his favourite subject was, he would be ready. You can imagine my surprise when he was not. When he was working he just wanted to work. I found out that I in fact thought about it more than he did.

At first, because of what I had been told, I thought there was something wrong with me. Why wasn’t my husband thinking about me 300 times a day while I wasn’t with him? What was I doing wrong? Was there something wrong with me?

I talked it over with my husband and he helped me see – men can’t be focused on more than one thing at a time (we know that, right?!) – when they are working, they are just working. This means no multitasking, even for sex. Women in fact need to think about it more than men do in order to be ready for intimacy.

The reason that it can seem like men are all about sex is because when they are ready it is zero to 60. They work all day, but when they come home and see their wives they don’t need a build up like they do – they are ready! As my husband described it in his series on the Song of Solomon, “Men are microwaves, women are slow cookers.”

Another reason men can seem sex-crazed is that if they don’t have it as much as they need it, they need it, and it will pervade their thoughts. Unless there is a physical problem with you in this area, please try not to let your relationship get to that point.

In the end though, there’s nothing wrong with you or your man if you think of sex more than your husband, despite what the world says.

2. Men always want it more than women.

I used to overhear little snippets of conversations all the time – from both Christians and non-Christians – about how much sex their men wanted, how little they themselves wanted, and how they just couldn’t keep up. Before I got married I couldn’t imagine ever not wanting sex – I mean, isn’t that why you get married? I thought so (and still do to a large degree). From what they were saying I guessed that my husband would be wanting it all the time and I would eventually get tired of it, but that I’d have to have it anyway because he wanted it.

The truth is though, that men usually aren’t the crazed sex-addicts the world portrays them as. Different women have different stories – some tell of men who would have it 3 times a day if they had their way, while others tell of men who actually want it less than they do. This can cause women to feel like they are unattractive or strange if their husband doesn’t want sex like they’ve been told to expect. There is a reason that God told the husband that his body was not his own as much as the woman’s was not her own – sometimes women will want it when he man doesn’t. Whether you want it more or he does, you need to come up with a plan of action that is mutually satisfying.

If you are having issues, there are a lot of things which effect your libido, and you might need to consider removing stresses, having more sleep, or a change of diet. There is actually a problem that needs to be worked out if you as the woman don’t like intimacy – see someone, work at it with your husband, and make it a thing of the past. At the end of the day though, different men and women at different times in their lives have different sexual needs. There is nothing wrong with you or your husband whether you want it more or he wants it less. Either way, do your best to meet each other’s desires in this area, and strive to come to an agreement that is mutually satisfying.

3. Men have no emotions attached to sex.

The world portrays men as having the ability to jump from one woman to the next with no emotions attached. In our moments of insecurity, the temptation can be to think of our men in this way – as merely wanting a warm body and not seeing us as an individual. I hear so many women saying, “He just wants my body, he doesn’t care about me!”

Is this true? Are all men so uncaring and unattached?

Though there are some men who are like this, these chauvinist pigs shouldn’t effect our view of our husbands.

I asked my husband what he thought about men having emotions attached to their wives and intimacy, and he said, “You are my friend, and intimacy brings us closer. When things are going well, intimacy goes well, when they are not so great, intimacy suffers too.”In his eyes, intimacy is attached to emotion and is a sign of a close relationship between us – whereas the lack of it tells him that there are problems.

I would say he’s pretty accurate.

Emotions do affect our intimacy, and intimacy effects our emotions – both for us and our husbands. A godly husband doesn’t view women or sex in the way they the world does. He loves his wife as much as He loves himself and expresses his love and attachment to his wife through intimacy. Intimacy is a connection between two people at the deepest level – which is why it is important to keep sex for marriage and then to have as much as possible when you are married!

4. Men just want to get intimacy over quickly and hate foreplay.

This kind of goes with the previous one, but I have heard so many women complain of their husband’s lack of expertise or desire in this area. So many TV shows and advertisements make fun of this supposed flaw in the male of our species, prompting to think of men as dumb brutes that just can’t get this thing right.

While it is true that men can gain gratification quicker than women (they’re microwaves, remember?), and they themselves may not need foreplay so much, they certainly do enjoy it. Part of the way a man feels like he is really a man is in having the ability to make his woman feel good. Let your husband take the time and put in the effort to make you feel good – intimacy is only really achieved when both of you are seeking to satisfy the other.

5. Men have to look at other women.

This lie is doing so much damage the self esteem of so many young girls. Recently photos of Jennifer Lawrence were leaked onto the internet, and her defense in making the photos in the first place was that “either your boyfriend is going to look at you, or he is going to look at pornography.”

It is so sad that girls think that it is their fault if their man looks at women on the Internet. Shame and guilt crawl over women who have nothing to do with the addiction of the one human being that they wish would look at them more than anybody else.

Every woman needs to realize that men do not have to look at other women – it is a temptation for them, yes, but they can control themselves just as we can.

If a man has been looking at pornography for a while, he may feel like he must look – because he’s become addicted. He feels he needs pornography like the heroine addict needs his crack. Pornography is as addictive as a drug, and if a man is looking at women on the Internet, his wife’s body is not going to stop him from what he is doing because it’s not your body’s fault. He needs to change his mind, and his heart.

We need to realize that God doesn’t give any one any commandment they cannot keep. If He said that looking at a woman to lust after her was committing adultery in the heart, then men have a choice as to whether they look or not (Matthew 5:28). Job said that he had “made a covenant with [his] eyes” not to look upon any woman other than his wife (Job 31:1). Job realized that lust was something that he could choose to avoid. Men do not have to look at other women. They choose to.

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Here’s to always understanding each other better and growing together in love in the light of Christ.

In Him,

Chantelle Marie