[This article contains a frank conversation about intimacy in marriage. Please read this only if you are mature enough to handle such things, and if such offend you, please refrain from reading. Thank you!]
I was with a group of my girlfriends about six months before I had any plans of getting married. Okay, well, I definitely had plans, but they just weren’t official plans yet. My boyfriend and I were dating, but he hadn’t yet put a ring on it.
Anyway, we were out shopping and there was a sale on lingerie. I excitedly ran to the sale racks to see what I could find – because I love a good sale on anything.
Much to my surprise my friends were embarrassed by my excitement over the lingerie racks. I thought that getting a nice lingerie collection together in anticipation of a wedding night was something every Christian girl did. I had gone on numerous shopping trips with my mother and my sister to get lingerie and my family often discussed things candidly. I thought it was this way for everyone.
Well, apparently not.
As we were driving home my friends started talking in hushed tones, “What do you wear on your wedding night?” They asked me.
“Well, I think basically anything nice,” I laughed, “I think he’ll just be happy to see your body!”
“I suppose you have to be careful what you wear,” one of the girls said, hesitantly, “you need to make sure it’s something he likes that is still modest because you don’t want to cause your husband to lust, right?”
| PREPARED OR PETRIFIED?
It was because of talks like this I came to realise: not every girl has enjoyed being able to talk about intimacy with their parents.
My mum, on the other hand, told me everything.
When I started to have an interest in knowing about sex, my mother was determined that the educational system would not teach me their version of things. While every other child learnt about sex together in a classroom, my mother promised to answer any questions I might have if I would only come to her.
And she actually did. My mother calmly quenched every curiosity, worry, and fear I might have had in regards to sex with an honest and direct answer. She never turned aside any questions I had.
Unfortunately, I have talked to many women who haven’t been so fortunate and have gone to their wedding nights unprepared. As a consequence, they are terrified and tense – the enemies of a positive sexual experience. Some have ended up so emotionally battered that they have been unable to have sex with their husbands properly for years.
It just should not be this way. We should be excited about our wedding nights, looking forward to giving over our bodies to a man who loves us – not apprehensive or afraid.
| SCRIPTURAL SEXUALITY
I have heard some mums express fear over talking to their daughters about sex, like ignorance is somehow equated with innocence. But this is not God’s point of view. In Scripture we see that intimacy is something that can and should be looked forward to with excitement.
In the Song of Solomon, we see the Shulamite looking forward with excitement to finally enjoying the marriage bed with her lover:
“Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me! I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” (Song 2:6, 7)
The idea of having an intimate relationship with the one we love should thrill us and fill us with longing.
In order to help those who might be afraid to have a good start, we need more Titus 2 women need to step up and help to quench the fears of those who have not yet crossed the threshold, teaching them how to properly “love their husbands” (Titus 2:5). When we teach our girls how to love appropriately, fear will be dispelled.
“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).
“By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:17, 18).
We also don’t have to worry about keeping silent about this, because God hasn’t kept silent about it. He encourages and even commands marital intimacy.
- He tells us to uphold the intimate marriage relationship with honour. How can we do this if we are afraid to talk about it?
- He tells men to be satisfied with their wife’s breasts, and only their wife’s breasts always. How can they do this in today’s society unless they are taught how to love one woman for the rest of their lives?
- He tells husbands and wives to come together intimately often to strengthen their relationships. How can couples know that this is a command of God unless they are being taught this passage in its proper context?
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4).
“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:18, 19).
“Husbands and wives should be fair with each other about having sex. A wife belongs to her husband instead of to herself, and a husband belongs to his wife instead of to himself. So don’t refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5 CEV).
| TEACH YOUR DAUGHTERS ABOUT LOVE SO THEY CAN CONQUER FEAR
This desperately needs to be talked about. My mother talked to me about sex, and I am thankful to God every day that she did. Thanks to her forthright advice, I was able to enter into the marriage relationship well-informed and without fear.
God knows that fear and misconceptions about sex can tear a marriage apart. This is why God talks about intimacy frequently. He wants marriages to stay together and He knows that having a healthy sexual relationship is an important part of a happy marriage.
Do you want your daughter to have a good sexual relationship with her husband? You should – because God does. We don’t need our girls to be afraid of something so pure and beautiful as becoming intimately joined with the one they love. She needs you to talk to her about this and show her how God’s design not only helps her to be holy but also happy.
By preparing your daughter to enjoy sex in marriage, she will be able to taste and see that the Lord is truly good and know for sure that those who trust in His way have the best and most abundant lives (Psalm 37:8; John 10:10).
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| OTHER ARTICLES ON INTIMACY
Don’t Worry, It’s Worth the Wait
Sex and Relationship Advice Straight from the Bible
The Truth About Virginity LostThe Truth About Virginity Lost
The Other Virgin Diaries | Phylicia Delta Blog | Phylicia deals with a lot of questions that girls trying to be pure before marriage ask. I loved this series!
Her Life, His Way 
Spot on! We were just talking about the article you referenced during our book/Bible study last week. It’s sad that the girl can’t see the blessing she had for waiting. We are going through a book called “Loving Your Husband” and last week we talked (appropriately) about sex. It is a gift to be enjoyed within marriage! God gives us boundaries to bless us, not constrain us.
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Thank you! I haven’t read that book personally, but I have had it recommended to me. I’ll have to give it a go!
You are spot on, it is a wonderful gift, and any rules God makes are only for our benefit! It’s so wonderful to have a safe, happy and secure relationship with no fear of comparison!
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So very well said!! You have such a gift for sharing the messages of God’s Word so eloquently. This article is/will be a blessing to many!
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Thank you! I am praying that it helps many girls and that I have the wisdom to apply God’s word correctly to this much needed and controversial subject! 🙂
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Fantastic article!! My mom didn’t really talk to me about it, but I was able to find good, Christian books and such to prepare myself before marriage. I definitely plan to be open, honest, Biblical and approachable with my daughter as she grows up. Thank you so much for sharing!!
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Mothers that are willing to talk to their children about all important areas of life are a blessing! Thank you for being a great example in this area. I’m glad you were able to find good information to prepare yourself. What books did you find particularly helpful?
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I love this! The emotional side of sex was talked about in our home, but not so much the physical side till I was an older teen. By then, it was just awkward to talk about such things. Thankfully, I sought out some Biblically based books and blogs about sex instead of worldly junk. Still, my husband and I were considering marriage (but no ring) when I started to search out information. I try to let my unmarried/newly married girlfriends know they can talk to me if they have any questions (even though I’m by no means an expert). A series like this is *so needed* in the church! Most of the resources I’ve found are quite good, but not written by anyone in the brotherhood; and the information from the brotherhood is good, but just not quite frank enough. I can’t tell you how excited I am about reading this and can’t wait to discreetly share it with some of my girlfriends!
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Thank you so much Lori! I am so thankful for women like you who are ready and willing to be open to other girls about this. When we ALL have that desire and take action, the ripple effect will be incredible. 🙂
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This is so good! Like jMama, my mother didn’t really talk about it much (good or bad) at all. I am a reader, though, and curious enough to research on my own (lots of articles and books, good and some bad). But it was enough to for me to ensure that I have very open communication with my daughter, should I be blessed with one.
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Fantastic. I am glad that despite your lack of a mother’s education you are willing to make sure that it is an easier transition for your future children. Thank you for your encouragement and feedback!
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I like this series. It is much needed. I love that I can talk to my mom openly about sex. I feel fortunate to be able to have a mother-in-law and mother who give me advice and are able to be honest in answering questions. My mom and I are open about sex and don’t mind shopping together nor going to a pure romance party together. I have friends who wonder why I would do that with my mom, but I dont see a problem in it. Cannot wait to read more!
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Totally! Sounds like you have a relationship with your mum like I have with mine. I can talk to her about ANYTHING! It’s totally not weird (says the girl who wrote a blog post on sex, ha).
Thank you so much for your encouragement! xx
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You are so right on many levels and the ignorance that is proclaimed usually backfires in so many bad ways. You are also right about the need to have Titus 2 Women teaching and instructing the younger women. You have taken a very difficult subject to discuss, for some, and breathed a bit of grace and light into its pages.
Blessings,
Dawn
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Thank you for your encouraging comments, Dawn! I was so nervous putting this out there, but the response has been overwhelmingly positive and has confirmed how VERY much this is needed! We need more Titus 2 women!
Blessings to you too. ❤
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I think this is definitely needed. I was one of those who began marriage totally blind about such matters…which meant that our first few months of marriage were characterized more by laughter and “Why doesn’t this work????” than by the usually assumptions made of newlyweds. I giggle now to think of it–it didn’t hurt us in the long run, but I imagine it could have been useful to be a little more knowledgeable ahead of time.
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Thanks for your feedback Rachel! I’m so glad that things worked out well for you, despite everything. The fun of being a newlywed is definitely the newness of it all, but it definitely gets better with practice, no matter how much knowledge you started with! 🙂
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I think this is a great series! I did feel comfortable talking to my mom about stuff. I remember asking her once about whether or not you have sex on your period. Ha! Still, I did go into our wedding night pretty much terrified. You’re right that we should be open and comfortable talking with our moms about it, but the truth is that it IS a scary thing if you haven’t done anything like that before, and so I don’t think you can fully eliminate that (for some people, at least). But being able to have someone to discuss it with is so important so it’s not so “taboo.” I’m thankful my mom was willing to answer any questions I had 🙂
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That is so wonderful that you were able to have such an open relationship with your mum! It is such an incredible help. You are right, I was still a little afraid when I went to my wedding night, but my mother told me some ways to not be so tense at the time which really helped. Just knowing that you are normal really helps too! 😉
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This is something that needs to be discussed, especially in light of recent articles such as the one you mentioned. From what I’ve seen, people always go to extremes with sex, and I actually empathized with the woman who regretted waiting. So many Christian girls feel shame and guilt because they’ve always been taught sex is bad. On the other side, there are girls (like myself) who were never taught anything about sex from their parents and found out through books or the internet or sources that weren’t exactly biblical. I’m looking forward to the rest of the series!
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Totally, from what people have been writing me, you and this woman in the article are certainly not alone! Thank you so much for you input and feedback! xx
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Thank you for being brave enough to write a series like this! I myself am one of the many Christian women who are waiting for marriage but received little to no sex ed. I was raised in a family where we “didn’t talk about those things” and feel a lot of shame and guilt related to my sexuality. Thankfully, God has placed a wonderful therapist in my life who I feel comfortable asking questions and talking about this stuff with, but my heart breaks for all the women who aren’t as blessed. I really want to change the conversation with my kids. It’s so inspiring to see the relationship you and your mom have and know that it IS possible to have a healthy, open conversation about sex. Can’t wait to see what you have to write next! 🙂
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wow. I love this. Is this “series” still in the works? If so, I may just have to follow your blog 🙂 Thanks for your Godly example ❤
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It is! I’m a but slow, so I get out about one a week. There are three more so far:
1) http://happyhealthyholyhome.com/2014/11/13/about-the-blushing-bride-series-what-you-want-to-talk-about-video/
2) http://happyhealthyholyhome.com/2014/11/20/what-biblical-submission-looks-like-in-the-bedroom-the-blushing-bride-series/
3) http://happyhealthyholyhome.com/2014/12/09/pill-problems-and-contraception-questions-the-blushing-bride-series/
Thanks got stopping by and commenting! God bless xx
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awesome! thanks!
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“When we teach our girls how to love appropriately, fear will be dispelled.” – YESSSS! I love this post so much. I grew up in a home where sex was NOT talked about. It was a “no-no”. I was scared to hold hands with a boy, to tell my mom that I liked a boy, etc. My sister now has two girls and has done everything she can to foster an open honest relationship with them. They tell her everything!!! I love that. I think today’s church needs to do a better job of this as well. If we don’t teach teens/young adults that sex is GOOD, just in the right context they will go to the world to learn about it. Your mom is SOOOO right: If they don’t hear it from you then they’re hearing it from the educational system or media or unchristian friends. It’s so vital to talk about sex!!
http://www.littlelightonahill.com
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What a refreshing view about sex from a Christian viewpoint! Girls are often taught to play “keep away” with their sexuality when with boys, but not how to embrace it within a marriage relationship. Open conversations about sex with our kids are necessary for them to have a healthy view of this part of all of our lives. Well done!
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