[This article contains a frank conversation about intimacy in marriage. Please read this only if you are mature enough to handle such things, and if such offend you, please refrain from reading. Thank you!]
I was with a group of my girlfriends about six months before I had any plans of getting married. Okay, well, I definitely had plans, but they just weren’t official plans yet. My boyfriend and I were dating, but he hadn’t yet put a ring on it.
Anyway, we were out shopping and there was a sale on lingerie. I excitedly ran to the sale racks to see what I could find – because I love a good sale on anything.
Much to my surprise my friends were embarrassed by my excitement over the lingerie racks. I thought that getting a nice lingerie collection together in anticipation of a wedding night was something every Christian girl did. I had gone on numerous shopping trips with my mother and my sister to get lingerie and my family often discussed things candidly. I thought it was this way for everyone.
Well, apparently not.
As we were driving home my friends started talking in hushed tones, “What do you wear on your wedding night?” They asked me.
“Well, I think basically anything nice,” I laughed, “I think he’ll just be happy to see your body!”
“I suppose you have to be careful what you wear,” one of the girls said, hesitantly, “you need to make sure it’s something he likes that is still modest because you don’t want to cause your husband to lust, right?”
| PREPARED OR PETRIFIED?
It was because of talks like this I came to realise: not every girl has enjoyed being able to talk about intimacy with their parents.
My mum, on the other hand, told me everything.
When I started to have an interest in knowing about sex, my mother was determined that the educational system would not teach me their version of things. While every other child learnt about sex together in a classroom, my mother promised to answer any questions I might have if I would only come to her.
And she actually did. My mother calmly quenched every curiosity, worry, and fear I might have had in regards to sex with an honest and direct answer. She never turned aside any questions I had.
Unfortunately, I have talked to many women who haven’t been so fortunate and have gone to their wedding nights unprepared. As a consequence, they are terrified and tense – the enemies of a positive sexual experience. Some have ended up so emotionally battered that they have been unable to have sex with their husbands properly for years.
It just should not be this way. We should be excited about our wedding nights, looking forward to giving over our bodies to a man who loves us – not apprehensive or afraid.
| SCRIPTURAL SEXUALITY
I have heard some mums express fear over talking to their daughters about sex, like ignorance is somehow equated with innocence. But this is not God’s point of view. In Scripture we see that intimacy is something that can and should be looked forward to with excitement.
In the Song of Solomon, we see the Shulamite looking forward with excitement to finally enjoying the marriage bed with her lover:
“Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me! I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” (Song 2:6, 7)
The idea of having an intimate relationship with the one we love should thrill us and fill us with longing.
In order to help those who might be afraid to have a good start, we need more Titus 2 women need to step up and help to quench the fears of those who have not yet crossed the threshold, teaching them how to properly “love their husbands” (Titus 2:5). When we teach our girls how to love appropriately, fear will be dispelled.
“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).
“By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:17, 18).
We also don’t have to worry about keeping silent about this, because God hasn’t kept silent about it. He encourages and even commands marital intimacy.
- He tells us to uphold the intimate marriage relationship with honour. How can we do this if we are afraid to talk about it?
- He tells men to be satisfied with their wife’s breasts, and only their wife’s breasts always. How can they do this in today’s society unless they are taught how to love one woman for the rest of their lives?
- He tells husbands and wives to come together intimately often to strengthen their relationships. How can couples know that this is a command of God unless they are being taught this passage in its proper context?
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4).
“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:18, 19).
“Husbands and wives should be fair with each other about having sex. A wife belongs to her husband instead of to herself, and a husband belongs to his wife instead of to himself. So don’t refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5 CEV).
| TEACH YOUR DAUGHTERS ABOUT LOVE SO THEY CAN CONQUER FEAR
This desperately needs to be talked about. My mother talked to me about sex, and I am thankful to God every day that she did. Thanks to her forthright advice, I was able to enter into the marriage relationship well-informed and without fear.
God knows that fear and misconceptions about sex can tear a marriage apart. This is why God talks about intimacy frequently. He wants marriages to stay together and He knows that having a healthy sexual relationship is an important part of a happy marriage.
Do you want your daughter to have a good sexual relationship with her husband? You should – because God does. We don’t need our girls to be afraid of something so pure and beautiful as becoming intimately joined with the one they love. She needs you to talk to her about this and show her how God’s design not only helps her to be holy but also happy.
By preparing your daughter to enjoy sex in marriage, she will be able to taste and see that the Lord is truly good and know for sure that those who trust in His way have the best and most abundant lives (Psalm 37:8; John 10:10).
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| OTHER ARTICLES ON INTIMACY
The Other Virgin Diaries | Phylicia Delta Blog | Phylicia deals with a lot of questions that girls trying to be pure before marriage ask. I loved this series!