Her Life, His Way

{Please note: This post is recommended for the married, or those of a marriageable age. There is nothing explicit in this post, but I am discussing the marriage relationship. While I try to do this in a delicate and sensible way, if such things offend you, please refrain from reading further!}

I never let my husband travel without me for extended periods without an incredibly good reason–and by an incredibly good reason, I mean it has to be a matter of life, death, or war. Yes, I’m serious.

Actually, to be fair, he doesn’t let me either. It’s one of our “rules.” It is just one of the things we decided when we were dating–and it has proven to be by far one of the best things we ever decided for our marriage.

And, quite honestly, I think every couple should have this rule–and if not this rule, then at least a very similar one (except in special situations of course, as I will talk about later).

Please, let me explain.

Actually, I never thought that the importance of this idea was something I would have to explain to anyone. You see, as a young bride, I thought that wanting my husband to be home with me was a feeling that every woman would share. The longing to see her beloved again. The hatred of every night spent alone. The little piece of yourself missing whenever he was too far to be reached. The desire for intimacy to be enjoyed again as soon as possible.

Imagine my surprise when I came to realize that not every woman feels the same longing when her husband is away. I was shocked as I listened to women–Christian women–express feelings that to me just didn’t seem right.

“Oh, I’m okay with not seeing my husband for 10 months as he ties up his business in another country. We have Skype.”

“Your husband is away for only a week? That’s just nice.”

“It’s such an inconvenience for my husband to be back from his mission trip. He’s going to mess up my routine.”

At first, hearing things like this shocked me–but unfortunately, I’ve come to realise it’s all too common.

Every time I hear such things, I hurt as I think of how these marriages must be suffering in ways that they perhaps don’t even realise. I worry about the one side of the couple that may be struggling with sin because of the infrequency. I feel like I just want to pull them aside and tell them how their married lives could be so much better.

Am I alone or wrong in thinking that such thinking is wrong?

Well, contrary to popular belief (and thankfully for our marriages’ sakes), the Bible has a lot to say on this subject—spelling out the issue and its solution in very clear language:

“Having your own husband or wife should keep you from doing something immoral. Husbands and wives should be fair with each other about having sex. A wife belongs to her husband instead of to herself, and a husband belongs to his wife instead of to himself. So don’t refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:2-5, CEV).

So here is the question: If God understands the importance of us having a healthy, frequent sexual intimacy with our spouse—then why can’t we?

Just have a think about this verse for a moment. I have heard many arguments made for couples staying apart. More money. The children’s education. Lengthy mission trips. None of them prayer, and all too often not “a little while.”

But is it worth it? Can we really say that we are doing as the Lord says when we are not looking after our spouses sexual needs?

It is because of the above verse (and problems we’d seen arise in other couples due to separation) that before we got married, my husband and I agreed to always try our best to travel together, and if pressed to never spend more than two weeks apart by intention. It has been one of the best decisions we’ve made as a family so far, because it has helped us with our self-control. As the verse says–if you do have to be apart, let it only be for a little while so Satan won’t tempt you!

Before I go on, please realize that I am not saying that there are not legitimate reasons that a husband and wife would have to be separated—such as for emergencies, military service, or during times of war—but the point is that this should not be okay with us, and should be avoided if at all possible! It should be that you long to see your other half again. It should be that you make every effort to be together. The separation should cause pain, not comfort.

I have simply seen too many cases where couples staying apart from each other has not worked—where marriages have either fallen apart or remained unhappy and unsatisfactory to one or both of the parties. Remember that while a broken relationship is not desirable to our Lord, neither is a less-than-whole one. We must work at filling each other’s needs. Often.

When I read about Solomon and the Shulamite, I see a totally different picture to what I see around me. I see a picture of too people who seek to love each other deeply in a romantic way. This young couple’s story—placed within the Bible’s pages to show us what romantic, married love looks like—is one that tells of frequent romantic play and expressions of desire for intimacy.

I see the young bride rushing to open the door for her husband, regretting that she has not let him into her bed.

“I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock” (Song of Solomon 5:5, ESV).

I see her delighting in the fact that her husband desires her body, encouraging his desire.

“I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me” (Song of Solomon 7:10, ESV).

I see her planning a holiday for just the two of them, one where she plans to satisfy his needs.

“Come, my beloved, let us go out into the fields and lodge in the villages; let us go out early to the vineyards and see whether the vines have budded, whether the grape blossoms have opened and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love” (Song of Solomon 7:11, 12, ESV).

In the last two verses of the book I see them still playing, still desiring each other’s company—wanting the presence of their spouse to be soon and swift.

“He: O you who dwell in the gardens, with companions listening for your voice; let me hear it.

She: Make haste, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of spices.” (Song of Solomon 8:13, ESV).

Before marriage, yes—stay pure. After marriage—stay present and playful. Every moment spent apart is a moment you cannot fully awaken your love. Be sure to be with your spouse and awaken the north wind often.

“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits” (Song of Solomon 4:16, ESV).

Some suggestions for achieving a greater intimacy (and fulfilling 1 Corinthians 7) :

• Talk to your spouse about the frequency of your intimacy. Is it enough to satisfy their needs? Encourage your spouse to be honest, stay calm and assure them of your willingness to help fill their needs. Work out something which is satisfactory to both of you. Then, be available! Read more about this here.
• Definitely do not live apart for any length of time unless absolutely necessary (i.e. not for more money or convenience). Settle for less, live together, and learn to grow closer as a couple right from the word “go.” It’s just not worth it. It pains me to see couples that are happy to be separate. Quite honestly, why did you marry at all if you don’t care to put in the effort to be with your spouse? Like I said before, of course, there are exceptions, but make sure your priorities are right.
• Do not even compromise for church/mission work. I can guarantee that  your work will be less effective, and the time and distance will certainly place a strain on your marriage. I have seen too much trouble come from compromise in this area! If you save many on the mission field and yet neglect your family, have you really been successful? If your supporters object, raise Paul’s argument, “Have we not power to lead about a wife?” (1 Corinthians 9:5)
• Have a vacation every year to reconnect on an intimate level. Alone. Without the children. Solomon and the Shulamite knew what they were about (Song of Solomon 7:11, 12). If you can’t afford to go away, have a “stay-cation.” These are so much fun and so relaxing because there aren’t any long flights or heavy suitcases to lug around. Book a few nights at a nice hotel not too far away and spend the time relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. We have a little tradition where we splurge on a night in a nice hotel every birthday and anniversary.

__________

Living a life that is completely God=pleasing is not always the most convenient or lucrative life–but it is certainly the most fulfilling and rewarding one. Trust that He knows what is best for your relationship and act accordingly. Decide to connect more often and never go too long between connections. Set boundaries. Invest in your marriage. Watch your marriage thrive.

Then watch your marriage thrive.

__________

Connect with me and keep up-to-date with my most recent recipes and ramblings.

                               

__________

(Linked to Titus 2uesdays; Community Brew)

Related Posts:

What Biblical Submission Looks Like in the Bedroom | A look at the harmony between submission and intimacy.

About the Blushing Bride Series | An outline of the topics I am intending on discussing.

Self Control and Maturity | My Lesson on 1 Corinthians 7 dealing with controlling ourselves and our sexuality.

Don’t Worry, It’s Worth the Wait | A brief overview of my own thoughts in regards to waiting until marriage

Marriage Is Consent: How Selfishness Perpetuates the Rape Culture | Phylicia Delta Blog. I just love everything this girl does. This is one clear article.

“Prepared or Petrified? Why I Am Thankful My Mother Talked to Me About Sex {The Blushing Bride Series}”

My husband’s series on the Song of Solomon – you can watch it with your husband and discuss! Well worth the time.